I went through a phase in my life when I got nose bleeds every other day for about a month. Luckily during that time I was able use this 'situation' to my fullest advantage. Like any other dynamic duo, my girlfriend/roommate Jessica (who's name has not been changed for anonymity) and I loved to be a team. We were like a joke and a punchline, peanut butter and bananas, chippies and dippy*.
Before I fully get into these sangria stories, you must know about my friend Jessica's gag reflexes. No, not the ones dealing with giving dome, but the reflexes when something grosses you the F out. She gets this trait from her father who also cringes at the sight of the smallest amount of saliva. (Shout out to her pops Jeffy, #1 tuna maker in the world) I've always known Jess couldn't handle spit or snot but little did I know that nose bleeds were also of the top three.
College. Spring break. Those words may mean nothing to an ordinary person but to Jessica and I screaming them out in a bar to reemphasize the fact that we were young and free happens at least a dozen times a night. In addition to these word of wisdom, we've also learned that screaming "CAPTAIN AND COKE" does not get you a drink faster. With that brief bio, this story begins.
It was our neighbor's 21st birthday and she was having some people over and then going to some local dive bar following. Jess and I knew the the girls that lived in the apartment but not anyone else. In cases like this we started with shots rather than mixed drinks. What other way to brighten a situation other then a social lubricant like alcohol? I don't know of any others except maybe an 'accidental' brush of another's genitalia. Unfortunately, in some states that's considered sexual assault brotha. So as the double shots of vodka and air kept coming so did the awkward conversations with the people that couldn't keep up with us.
"So how do you know Darlene?" I'd ask, expecting a average response. "Hebrew school," seemed to be the most common answer. When I asked if anyone could teach me the Cotton Eye Joe dance, it was as if I asked a rabbi for a one night stand.
"Alright it's time to go to Scoops!" someone yelled. I found Jessica already half way down the stairs. We decided to drive separately from them so we wouldn't be put in trapped situation and that if all else failed we could come home early and watch The Chappell Show while putting red lipstick on. That was how the best of nights ended at least. When we got there, the birthday girl was already hanging over the vom buckets outside and then trying to make out with her boyfriend simultaneously. Whenever it's a friends birthday or celebration of some sort, it's always important to remember that it's also and opportunity for it to be 'your' birthday or 'your' celebration also. I mean that's what they'd want. So not only was it Darlene's 21st birthday, it was also mine and Jessica's birthday too.
The thing about these trashy bars around campus is that they don't think they're trashy. This would be similar to a playboy mansion having a hierarchy of power. What seems to be a common denominator between these bars is that there's alway some weird guy running around with a camera saying that he has a website with the bar and that our pictures would be posted for all to see. Great, like I really wanted everyone to see the picture of me making out with that Mexican guy who kept asking to see my taco. To flip the situation I decided to take my camera and tell others they would be on MY website. It didn't flow as smoothly as I expected. I ended up with pictures of me and Jessica acting like we didn't know there was even a camera when clearly my arm holding it was in every shot.
The night was coming to an end and the spins were already kicking in. Jess and I bid our farewells to the birthday girl and her entourage and we skipped back to our car. We got in and suddenly I felt a trickle down my lip. I took a tissue out of the glove compartment and realized it was my daily nose bleed stopping by. I blew my nose and decided to show Jessica the treasures that came out. Luckily the windows were down so she projectile vommed out of the passenger side. I don't remember anything else after that.
Finding out my sick desire to gross Jessica out, I started making it a habit to share with her on occasions similar to this one. I was sitting by myself in my room and realized one was coming on. As it leaked out of my nose I carefully walked into Jess's room, cracked open the door, and whispered "Seven Days," then walked out. Obviously referring to the movie The Ring. I wiped my nose and decided to discard the left over tissue into her wallet.
The next morning she went to Einsteins to get coffee. As she opened her wallet the dried up tissue fell out in front of the employee. All she had to say was it was my roommates. I'm sure he would have understood.
That was the last of my nose bleeds.
*As part of our lingo 'ies' and 'y's' are often added to the end of words to make things more exciting. For example, nappy.
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